On the outisde, you show no signs of affliction. You pass smiles, laugh, and speak like you always do. People meet you. People leave you. Life moves on. You move on. Everything is plain and ordinary, life remains as banal as ever.
Underneath the serenity, however, and somewhere amidst the ocean your heart is, a storm brews. Wave after wave of pulsating emotions drench you, crushing you in. They rise, higher and higher, flooding you with their tide.
Anxiety is not to be trifled with.
It’s a dark monster rising from deep inside you, clawing and clutching at your internal organs. Its eyes are as red as the devil’s, meeting them shakes your conciousness to the core.
It’s terrible to have your own worst enemy living inside yourself. It can read you open like a book, it can feel your emotions as you feel them. You cannot hide away, you cannot run away. It’s a snowball, the worse you feel, the more powerful it becomes.
You can’t deal with it. There is no medicine, a magic pill of the modern marvels to drive it away. It lurks inside you, waiting, watching, thriving at your failures and your loneliness. It isolates you, preying on all your fears and insecurities.
You search for an escape. You look around in all directions, you turn here, there, everywhere. You learn to repress it, to forget about the disease dancing in the shadows you make.
Family, the old dependable friend, the video game you played years back, the battered novel you’ve read a hundred times, the upbeat playlist, a walk in the park.
These are all temperory breaks, bits and pieces spread sporadically throughout your day. As soon as your time is up, you fall down on your knees again, the cavity in your chest constricting you, leaving you breathless and powerless, unable to rise back up.
But if you survive all this, persevere. The road doesn’t stop here, it goes on, and the journey is all yours to make. Time heals all. This too shall pass.
These friends of mine will come and go
I’m the first to leave, the last to know
I’ll be swimming in a face of flames
For these friends of mine don’t know my pain.